Tuesday, March 13, 2012

a good old fashioned rant

People as a thing are getting dumber and dumber by the day. While I worked with a number of douche canoes in my previous career, my new life of hair whipping ponytails and unlocking the secrets of beauty at school, is showing me a new darker side of dumb.

The other day during my lunch break I took a quick trip to the Happiest Place on Earth: Sonic. I ordered my usual:

A lot of people find / are accidently directed to my
blog by googling 'Sonic hot dogs.' John FTW!
Anyway, like I tell the homeless people of Dallas who do NOT take Visa, "I never carry cash." I find I spend it too quickly and can't wrap my mind around the fact that my singles may or may not have touched the loins of a girl with a deadbeat dad and very few computer skills.

So, I almost always pay for my meals and Route 44s with the handy car-side credit card machine! This system is a great but it doesn't allow you to add in a tip! Insert obvious, cheap and dirty joke: here ___. Sometimes if I a scraggily George Washington sitting in my console, I'll kindly give it to the car hop. And today I happened to have a few!

The car hop came out and was kind enough. She even went back in to get me extra ketchup! As I reached for my cash this chick says 'where's my tip?' I was so shocked I couldn't come up with a clever retort until I was halfway into my Chicago Dog. It would have been: "Here's a tip, don't ask for tips!" Yeah, and then she would have been all "Oh, I guess the customers aren't the only ones who get SERVED here!" And then there probably would have been some sort of break-dance off...

This happened during a lunch break from my new Thursday through Saturday adventure in hair school... I was prepared to be surrounded by individuals of varying levels of intelligence and sanity, but nothing on Earth could prepare for how stupid some of the people are. Stupidity is their Olympics, and they are in it to win it.

For starters, the most offensive girl wears these:

1) These aren't even REAL Uggs. I mean, that's like buying generic meth. If you're gonna do something wrong, do it RIGHT.

2) The bedazzling? In keeping with my analogy, that's like shouting at the top of your cracked out lungs, 'Hey, y'all. Look at me doing a lot of this generic meth!'

3) She is the kind of girl who is totally wearing these to be cute... Like tooth loss is just a fun bonus to her faux-meth addiction.

Unfortunately her stupidity doesn't end with just her terrible fashion choices, which also include: tacky leather studded bracelets, men's ties, and t-shirt dresses under a t-shirt and over black pants. I'm sorry, but even Avril Lavigne and all the guys on American Idol think you look like a jacka**.

She asks stupid questions and never pays attention. So a majority of my classroom 'learning' is waiting for my equally inept teacher try and re-explain simple concepts like brushing and curling hair to someone who still isn't paying attention. It's like watching Paris Hilton try and teach Kim Kardashian quantum physics.

I mean, she is a girl. I would assume she would have a grasp on these basic things, because she's been doing them since she was a child or sluttly teenager. Yeah, she is totally THAT girl who has no other friends who are girls. Anyway, her hair is TERRIBLE. It looks like it is made of straw, she has outdated highlights, and basically looks like Ke$ha stood on a tarmac for 11 hours.

In efforts of full disclosure, I must include in this rant a confession... The stupid is rubbing off...

The other morning, I spent about 8 minutes in the shower debating with myself and counting on my fingers and toes whether or not I was 26 or 27. While debating on drowning myself because nothing that stupid deserves to live, I thought of these two young women. If they can get up day after day and boldly say and do idiotic things with dedication that borderlines pure passion, then I can forget how old I am. I had to get on facebook and look at the photo album from my last birthday party to confirm I almost aged myself a whole year in the shower!

PS - how awesome is this?


Valerie said...

You are awesome! Your rant makes this housewife very happy. That is all. :)

Thomas L. Vaultonburg said...

Good rant, man. http://zombielogicblog.blogspot.com/2012/03/cdc-is-preparing-for-zombie-apocalypse.html