Friday, September 9, 2011

file under: worst thing ever

Along with paper cuts and pretty much anything Howie Mandel has done post Bobby's World, I'm talking about reading... benefits packages.

My company is going through some changes which include new benefits packages (health, dental, vision, and accidental death and dismemberment). We've had some of the most mind-numbing presentations about our benefits, and I'm still lost, confused, and upset. Mainly upset with my coworkers who insist on asking stupid questions. Ethel, we dont' care if your gout is covered under the new plan! 

Anyway... What is it about reading benefits information that makes me want to bludgeon myself to death with a sack of dead pigeons? Answer: EVERYTHING.

There are numbers, charts, words, and acronyms that make no sense. What the deuce is a PPO?

In search of more information (AKA a pleasant video presentation since we were handed packets full of paper to read and fill out by hand like commoners), I went to the web and found this:

First of all, the site had no videos and was no help. Secondly, I don't know why this little boy is so happy. Kid, if you have two nurses and a doctor smiling creepily at you, you are most likely about to be told you are dying, they are out of lollipops, about to get a spinal tap, or a terrifying combination of the three.

I left the provider's website because I was bored and 99% sure there was a kitten doing something more bad ass somewhere on the Internet.

Turns out, I was right!

Anyway, I don't know a thing about HMOs, deductibles, or anytime in the near future I planned on being dismembered, but I do know that I just wanna be able to go to a doctor if and when I bust my tailbone in a dance off. Is that too much to ask? Seriously, where do I check off the 'if I go to the ER, everybody be cool because I'm covered' box? No where? Which plan covers mental disorders like 'I can't stop crying when I'm hungover and listen to Taylor Swift and Adele'? None of them?! 

Whatever, like almost ALL of my life decisions, I'm going to ask the most attractive and healthy-looking person around me what plan they are going with and just do the same...


Lorraine said...


2.) My new employee orientation made me want to quit before I even started my job. It was so boring and bad and I couldn't escape or look up badass kitties

3.) It amuses me that your adsense ads are about baby clothes. Hmm.


John said...

OMG. Do I even have control of that? AdSense apparently makes no sense. #punsarefun

Anyway, I'm sure mom's love my blog as much as straight guys.

Shane Pilgrim said...

"Which plan covers mental disorders like 'I can't stop crying when I'm hungover and listen to Taylor Swift and Adele'? None of them?!"

Haha! I wish they had coverage for that, but then the companies would totally go bankrupt. That's the power of T Swift.