blame tv

A lot of y'all have been asking why I haven't blogged in a while. By 'a lot' I mean, like two of my close friends.

The culprit is TV. In case you are unlike me and have hobbies that actually get you out of your house, you might be unaware that the new fall seasons of TV have returned.

Just like the first day of school, I wore my best outfit, was prepared  to greet (and judge) the newbies, and developed a near anxiety attack over seeing my old friends after a long summer.

In the realm of old friends, can someone please go all Travis on Glee and just put it down. I was a huge advocate for the homo-explosion that was the first teaser trailer of this show two years ago. I was a Gleek. I may or may not have cried to multiple episodes back when the show had heart. Now, it is a repetition of the same jokes and little to zero development of the most two dimensional, stereotypical characters on television. Seriously, Dot on The Animaniacs, had more depth.

For a show whose third season's marketing campaign is centered around dodge ball, Glee once again, misses the mark. Puns are so fun!

The truly sad thing about this whole situation is that like a victim of domestic violence, I will probably continue to come back every Tuesday night, dinner will be cold, and I will die a little bit inside.

But speaking of housewives, the ladies of Wisteria Lane are back for a final season of over-the-top story lines, beyond the grave narration, and the best endorsements for Botox of EVER.

So far, I'm pleased. The secret is compelling enough, the women look better than ever (again, thank you, Botox), and with a planned final season, hopefully the writers thoughtfully tie up story lines and give a fitting end to Sunday night's biggest guilty pleasure.

My only qualm is Vanessa Williams. Like, other than Ugly Betty's cancellation, why are you here?! You're basically a Black Edie, and they killed her years ago.

Smart move for Dana Delaney leaving the lane and is now absolutely destroying it on ABC's Body Of Proof. This is quickly turning into my favorite show of ever because,

1) Delaney is a ridiculously subtle and powerful actress, and

2) Nerd Alert! I've had a lady crush on Jeri Ryan ever since she played Seven of Nine on Star Trek: Voyager. 

Anyway... Modern Family continues to be the gold standard of scripted comedy. 

30 Rock won't be back until 2012 because of Tina Fey's pregnancy. This only validates my belief that children ruin just about everything. 

And in the category of newcomers...

The overly hyped return of Simon and Paula in the form of the train wreck that has been two episodes of The X Factor literally made me want to Syliva Plath myself. Had there not been a cake in the oven, I probably would have. I anxiously awaited for a singer to blow me away or at the very least, for Paula to do something crazy, like mix up her uppers and downers and dance with MC Skat Cat 'Opposites Attract' style. 

Sadly, neither of these things happened.

ABC's Revenge is promising enough. Even though, I feel this would have been a more successful story line as a mini-series than a full blown series...

Finally, ABC's Charlie's Angels reboot has all the makings of a great cancelled series. Poor acting, heavy and expensive production, and poor casting choices. However, just like the two movies that were ridiculously terrible and near and dear to my heart, I will watch it with a bowl of popcorn and fish bowl full of boxed wine.

I promise I'll blog about something more interesting next week...

and then i was mentally raped.

If I haven't explicitly said it in a previous blog, let me make it clear that I love TV more than some of my real life friends. It is always there for me, doesn't talk back, and everyone is so attractive.

That being said, my entire world view (TV) was changed forever last Saturday night...

I am from Dallas, and if you are a reality TV junkie, you know there are multiple shows on various networks that were filmed or are being filmed here right now. I'm pretty indifferent to all of them, because the ONLY reality shows I watch are The Voice, Project Runway, and Top Chef (because I'm gonna start stalking Adam Levine, I want Tim Gunn to adopt me, and I have a lady boner for Padma Lakshmi.)

I mean, look at this:

Seriously. 

Anyway, I don't watch any 'real' housewives, toddlers, or shows where cameras just film people acting out the drama of their semi-scripted lives. I am not bashing them or those that watch them, I just would rather sit on a knife than watch beautiful people drunkenly yell at one another for absolutely no reason.

Meanwhile, back on the part of this post that is actually relevant...

A birthday party Saturday for a few friends of mine turned out to also be a shooting for The LOGO Network's newest show: The A-List: Dallas.

For starters, there is zero.zero audible music in this cute little bar, there are a few camera people and lighting staff and what not, and a bunch of gay guys standing around awkwardly holding expensive cocktails. I find the more someone tells you to "act naturally", the more you look like you've just lost control of your bowels.

Mind you, even though I was totally prepared to throw a drink in someone's face, rip out a queen's weave, or streak past the camera, they were little interested in my need for attention. They were however concerned with setting up the most awkward and fake looking situations I've ever seen.

I know there is always some level of set-up with these types of shows, but the staging of the conversations and character's entrances was baffling. After being around one another for a good hour, they filmed a scene where one character waited for his cue behind camera to walk into view and act so excited to see the other people you could have sworn he just took 18 Valium on a roller coaster.

While standing with my real friends (who had ZERO Valium), we talked about how shockingly staged it was. Then one of my friend's said that he once volunteered at an Extreme Makeover: Home Edition build once.

That's right. FAKEover. See what I did there?!

He went into detail about how the houses are practically pre-made and assembled on site, the stars don't do jack sh!t work or designing, and how they have to fake the 'MOVE THAT BUS!' scene over and over until they get the 'best' reaction' from the family.

I was beside myself, and again, on ZERO Valium.

I never had Santa growing up, because my parents didn't care enough to put effort into something so stupid, but this is probably EXACTLY how I would have reacted to this revelation: mental rape.

To think of all the tears I've wasted on that damn show.

PS - If you do watch the show and see me, my mouth is probably gaping wide open or I'm making some terrible face where it looks like I have Bell's palsy because I do NOT photograph well in the candid. 

See what I mean?

Now, go forth and feel immediately better about yourself.

file under: worst thing ever

Along with paper cuts and pretty much anything Howie Mandel has done post Bobby's World, I'm talking about reading... benefits packages.

My company is going through some changes which include new benefits packages (health, dental, vision, and accidental death and dismemberment). We've had some of the most mind-numbing presentations about our benefits, and I'm still lost, confused, and upset. Mainly upset with my coworkers who insist on asking stupid questions. Ethel, we dont' care if your gout is covered under the new plan! 

Anyway... What is it about reading benefits information that makes me want to bludgeon myself to death with a sack of dead pigeons? Answer: EVERYTHING.

There are numbers, charts, words, and acronyms that make no sense. What the deuce is a PPO?

In search of more information (AKA a pleasant video presentation since we were handed packets full of paper to read and fill out by hand like commoners), I went to the web and found this:

First of all, the site had no videos and was no help. Secondly, I don't know why this little boy is so happy. Kid, if you have two nurses and a doctor smiling creepily at you, you are most likely about to be told you are dying, they are out of lollipops, about to get a spinal tap, or a terrifying combination of the three.

I left the provider's website because I was bored and 99% sure there was a kitten doing something more bad ass somewhere on the Internet.

Turns out, I was right!

Anyway, I don't know a thing about HMOs, deductibles, or anytime in the near future I planned on being dismembered, but I do know that I just wanna be able to go to a doctor if and when I bust my tailbone in a dance off. Is that too much to ask? Seriously, where do I check off the 'if I go to the ER, everybody be cool because I'm covered' box? No where? Which plan covers mental disorders like 'I can't stop crying when I'm hungover and listen to Taylor Swift and Adele'? None of them?! 

Whatever, like almost ALL of my life decisions, I'm going to ask the most attractive and healthy-looking person around me what plan they are going with and just do the same...

how to *not* have a conversation

I have been labeled by enough people as loud, childish, and many other adjectives that also describe Rachel Ray. But I would like to think that I can express my opinions in a tactful way that encourages faux-intellectual discussion. If I have been drinking, all bets are off and I'll probably just slap you in the face for no reason.

So... why is the act of artful self-expression lost on so many people who seem FAR less annoying than me in almost all other social situations?

There are multiple people in my life that I just can't talk to... about anything! I'm not even just talking the important "hot button" issues like religion, politics, or the amount of herpes on ABC's Bachelor Pad.

I can't even talk about the most trite and superficial things with these ass hats.

The conversation almost always goes like this:

Me: I really like [apples, wallabies, snow, salt water taffy, etc].

Them: [Apples, wallabies, snow, salt water taffy, etc] are F**KING STUPID.

[Here ends the conversation.]

A few things...

1) Thank you for using such foul language in casual conversation. Now, I can quickly and safely assume that your stupidity is not only restricted to your inability to express yourself.

2) It is always about something stupid. It could be a new music video or a restaurant I went to recently. I didn't say that the Holocaust didn't happen or that a Sonic Route 44 is 'too much Dr. Pepper.'

3) I'm actually starting my period as I type this next part. It's not just what you said, it's how you said it. Your tone immediately conveys that because you think "[Apples, wallabies, snow, salt water taffy, etc] are F**KING STUPID", and I said I liked them, I am F**KING STUPID too. (This is why I can't talk to you).

4) I can safely label you as a 'non-person who doesn't deserve my attention or oxygen' when you express opinions of politics like this: 'Rick Perry/Obama/Caesar is a F**KING moron!' This does not validate your personal beliefs in any way. Why don't you say what you LOVE about your political party instead or at the very least cite something on his/her record that you disagree with and why? That way you sound intellectual and justified in the way you vote.

5) Successfully expressing one's opinion is not the same as disparaging another's.

If you don't happen to agree with what I said, say so, and for the love of bacon, say why. Then we can have what civilized people call a conversation. But so crassly saying that they're stupid is beyond offensive and immediately kills the pointless conversation we were about to have about Nicki Minaj or that time I egged a car at Whole Foods.

I would love to have a pointless conversation about the minutia of 30 Rock or even an intense debate about something currently trending on Twitter (AKA Justin Bieber). I mean, these are opinions. No one is going to be right or win. Get over it! Not everything is a debate. I mean, this is coming from a guy who would rather hear the words 'you're right' more than 'I love you.'

So, everybody be cool and let me talk about how reading books that have been made into movies is for over-achievers, because reading is F**KING STUPID!