Monday, March 29, 2010

füd for thought.

If you browse through my Facebook mobile uploads or see a lot of my status updates you’ll probably think one thing, this guy is really bored. But, if you happen to think two things, you’ll probably think that this guy loves food. And I do. It actually rivals my love of television. While I would be worried that the two would conflict, they actually go together quite nicely in an amazing chemical reaction whose only result will be a cottage cheese ass I’m guessing I’ll acquire in my mid 40s. Anyway… the whole point of this is regarding some food faux pas. Not hard and fast rules, but general guidelines in gluttony.

I cannot stress this first rule enough, but never eat Buffalo wings in front of a person who has never seen you naked and who you might want to see you naked in the future. I firmly believe eating these delicious little cluckers before that actually happens, could result in keeping that little scenario in the hypothetical indefinitely. I don’t think they existed when Emily Post laid down her law, and although raised in a family where table manners were about as scarce as dignity on a dance floor, I can set a perfect table and know what all the little forks do. There is no classy/proper/clean way to eat them. So, I would save them for interactions with friends or someone you’ve been dating long enough that they have seen you in more compromising positions than a face smothered in Mango Habanero sauce with dripping fingers to boot. Case in point: there is nothing less sexy than eating Buffalo wings.

Speaking of unattractive eating, when dating, you'll undoubtedly end up at the movies. That being said, if you’re anything like me never eat popcorn in front of a boy/girl. Until I am comfortable enough with someone to continually wake up next to them in the morning (when I’m at my most visually vulnerable) for all they will know, I hate popcorn. When in reality, nothing could be farther from the truth. However, nothing breaks down the barriers of my self-control faster than a buttery, salty bowl of popcorn. Me shoveling handfuls of popcorn into my face in rapid succession is a lot like what I imagine throwing a veggie burger at a homeless hippie would look like. It gets ravenous. Also, food gets stuck in your teeth. Isn’t that hot?!

Finally, you know yourself. You know your body. When you’re on a date follow these seven simple words: never eat anything that gives you gas!

I don’t pretend to be an expert on dating or romance. In fact, I’m sure suburban tweens have more knowledge on the subject matter than I do. But, if there is one thing I know, it’s food.

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