I was within 100 yards of my apartment building and was hit by a silver Corvette. This offended me on so many levels. Fortunately, it was the other driver’s fault, and he was nice, apologetic, and surprisingly not wearing a single article of Ed Hardy clothing.
Contrary to the belief/mostly true reality that most Asians drive like this:
I’m actually an impeccable driver. I have zero violations on my record, and as previously stated, have never been involved in an accident… unless you count barfing Red Bull vodkas out the passenger side of a Jeep Grand Cherokee while being driven home, then I retract that last statement.
So, my car’s a pretty big deal. It’s a 2001 Toyota Camry. It was my mom’s, and I still remember the day my parents brought it home. It was the first brand new car my family had ever owned, and it had power windows and keyless entry! I felt like the pretty Kardashian sister!
At fifteen, I felt like a real bad ass. When my parents were out of town, I would be out on the town driving between the two Sonics, aggressively jamming to Jessica Simpson’s “Irresistible”, and chain-smoking Kamel Red Lights with my girlfriends (meaning “HAAAY GIIIIRLFRIEND!”, not “let’s drink a 6-pack of Zima and explore each others' bodies” kind of girlfriend… just in case my listening to Jessica Simpson didn't already make that perfectly clear).
Little did I know, a decade and almost 180,000 miles later, I would still be doing this. As you can imagine, it is slightly less bad ass nowadays.
However, there are some HUGE benefits to driving a crappy car in a town like Dallas.
1) I hate driving around the city. One way streets, slow-moving ethnic pedestrians, and the iPhone’s Maps app that is always out to get me face-raped in shady parts of town. But when you drive a vehicle that is basically being held together by dust and my nightly prayers, no one wants to take your car anywhere. EVER. Advantage: John.
2) The few times I venture out in my car to meet friends for dinner, day drinking, or a good knitting marathon, inevitably there is always a “valet only” situation. Words cannot express how much I hate valet only establishments. But, when this happens, I like to think I’m giving the kind car runners a mild self-esteem boost. Instead of the usual black BMW 3 series or other typical fancy "status" car like a Kia Sorento, they get to judge me and the awesomeness of my 4-cylinder import. They’re all like, ‘I may park cars for meth money, but this car has one axle in the grave.’
3) I usually almost always have the right of way. Not because I actually have it or know exactly what that means for that matter, but when you see a car with a dent or scratch of some kind on almost every panel, you assume they do NOT have insurance and usually avoid swapping paint with such a car. I should just slap a Piolín sticker on the bumper and really just lean into it.
4) Also, being older and having its share of wear and tear, I don’t care (mainly because I don’t notice) if there is a door ding here or, you know, a missing panel there. Literally, the moment the car hit me, my first thought was about the eggs in my grocery sack in the back seat. For the record, three of them were broken. FML.
5) Finally, have no car payment is the BEST thing of ever. So...
And, when you drive around in a car with a dent on the trunk where your mom backed into a tree branch, but looks like someone went Tonya Harding on, this sort of thing is really a non-event.
1) I hate driving around the city. One way streets, slow-moving ethnic pedestrians, and the iPhone’s Maps app that is always out to get me face-raped in shady parts of town. But when you drive a vehicle that is basically being held together by dust and my nightly prayers, no one wants to take your car anywhere. EVER. Advantage: John.
2) The few times I venture out in my car to meet friends for dinner, day drinking, or a good knitting marathon, inevitably there is always a “valet only” situation. Words cannot express how much I hate valet only establishments. But, when this happens, I like to think I’m giving the kind car runners a mild self-esteem boost. Instead of the usual black BMW 3 series or other typical fancy "status" car like a Kia Sorento, they get to judge me and the awesomeness of my 4-cylinder import. They’re all like, ‘I may park cars for meth money, but this car has one axle in the grave.’
3) I usually almost always have the right of way. Not because I actually have it or know exactly what that means for that matter, but when you see a car with a dent or scratch of some kind on almost every panel, you assume they do NOT have insurance and usually avoid swapping paint with such a car. I should just slap a Piolín sticker on the bumper and really just lean into it.
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| This might be slightly racist, but if you've seen some of the rides that sport this, you would agree they are not 'in good hands.' |
5) Finally, have no car payment is the BEST thing of ever. So...
And, when you drive around in a car with a dent on the trunk where your mom backed into a tree branch, but looks like someone went Tonya Harding on, this sort of thing is really a non-event.
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| At least now most of the panels match. |
PS - If you are reading this and are wealthy and don't want any sort of weird sex stuff in return, please buy me a new car or an ice cream attachment for my Kitchen-Aid mixer.
PPS - Let's be real, the weird sex stuff clause might be rescinded for the ice cream attachment alone!
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| Do want. |
