how to *not* have a conversation

I have been labeled by enough people as loud, childish, and many other adjectives that also describe Rachel Ray. But I would like to think that I can express my opinions in a tactful way that encourages faux-intellectual discussion. If I have been drinking, all bets are off and I'll probably just slap you in the face for no reason.

So... why is the act of artful self-expression lost on so many people who seem FAR less annoying than me in almost all other social situations?

There are multiple people in my life that I just can't talk to... about anything! I'm not even just talking the important "hot button" issues like religion, politics, or the amount of herpes on ABC's Bachelor Pad.

I can't even talk about the most trite and superficial things with these ass hats.

The conversation almost always goes like this:

Me: I really like [apples, wallabies, snow, salt water taffy, etc].

Them: [Apples, wallabies, snow, salt water taffy, etc] are F**KING STUPID.

[Here ends the conversation.]

A few things...

1) Thank you for using such foul language in casual conversation. Now, I can quickly and safely assume that your stupidity is not only restricted to your inability to express yourself.

2) It is always about something stupid. It could be a new music video or a restaurant I went to recently. I didn't say that the Holocaust didn't happen or that a Sonic Route 44 is 'too much Dr. Pepper.'

3) I'm actually starting my period as I type this next part. It's not just what you said, it's how you said it. Your tone immediately conveys that because you think "[Apples, wallabies, snow, salt water taffy, etc] are F**KING STUPID", and I said I liked them, I am F**KING STUPID too. (This is why I can't talk to you).

4) I can safely label you as a 'non-person who doesn't deserve my attention or oxygen' when you express opinions of politics like this: 'Rick Perry/Obama/Caesar is a F**KING moron!' This does not validate your personal beliefs in any way. Why don't you say what you LOVE about your political party instead or at the very least cite something on his/her record that you disagree with and why? That way you sound intellectual and justified in the way you vote.

5) Successfully expressing one's opinion is not the same as disparaging another's.

If you don't happen to agree with what I said, say so, and for the love of bacon, say why. Then we can have what civilized people call a conversation. But so crassly saying that they're stupid is beyond offensive and immediately kills the pointless conversation we were about to have about Nicki Minaj or that time I egged a car at Whole Foods.

I would love to have a pointless conversation about the minutia of 30 Rock or even an intense debate about something currently trending on Twitter (AKA Justin Bieber). I mean, these are opinions. No one is going to be right or win. Get over it! Not everything is a debate. I mean, this is coming from a guy who would rather hear the words 'you're right' more than 'I love you.'

So, everybody be cool and let me talk about how reading books that have been made into movies is for over-achievers, because reading is F**KING STUPID!