and then i was mentally raped.

If I haven't explicitly said it in a previous blog, let me make it clear that I love TV more than some of my real life friends. It is always there for me, doesn't talk back, and everyone is so attractive.

That being said, my entire world view (TV) was changed forever last Saturday night...

I am from Dallas, and if you are a reality TV junkie, you know there are multiple shows on various networks that were filmed or are being filmed here right now. I'm pretty indifferent to all of them, because the ONLY reality shows I watch are The Voice, Project Runway, and Top Chef (because I'm gonna start stalking Adam Levine, I want Tim Gunn to adopt me, and I have a lady boner for Padma Lakshmi.)

I mean, look at this:

Seriously. 

Anyway, I don't watch any 'real' housewives, toddlers, or shows where cameras just film people acting out the drama of their semi-scripted lives. I am not bashing them or those that watch them, I just would rather sit on a knife than watch beautiful people drunkenly yell at one another for absolutely no reason.

Meanwhile, back on the part of this post that is actually relevant...

A birthday party Saturday for a few friends of mine turned out to also be a shooting for The LOGO Network's newest show: The A-List: Dallas.

For starters, there is zero.zero audible music in this cute little bar, there are a few camera people and lighting staff and what not, and a bunch of gay guys standing around awkwardly holding expensive cocktails. I find the more someone tells you to "act naturally", the more you look like you've just lost control of your bowels.

Mind you, even though I was totally prepared to throw a drink in someone's face, rip out a queen's weave, or streak past the camera, they were little interested in my need for attention. They were however concerned with setting up the most awkward and fake looking situations I've ever seen.

I know there is always some level of set-up with these types of shows, but the staging of the conversations and character's entrances was baffling. After being around one another for a good hour, they filmed a scene where one character waited for his cue behind camera to walk into view and act so excited to see the other people you could have sworn he just took 18 Valium on a roller coaster.

While standing with my real friends (who had ZERO Valium), we talked about how shockingly staged it was. Then one of my friend's said that he once volunteered at an Extreme Makeover: Home Edition build once.

That's right. FAKEover. See what I did there?!

He went into detail about how the houses are practically pre-made and assembled on site, the stars don't do jack sh!t work or designing, and how they have to fake the 'MOVE THAT BUS!' scene over and over until they get the 'best' reaction' from the family.

I was beside myself, and again, on ZERO Valium.

I never had Santa growing up, because my parents didn't care enough to put effort into something so stupid, but this is probably EXACTLY how I would have reacted to this revelation: mental rape.

To think of all the tears I've wasted on that damn show.

PS - If you do watch the show and see me, my mouth is probably gaping wide open or I'm making some terrible face where it looks like I have Bell's palsy because I do NOT photograph well in the candid. 

See what I mean?

Now, go forth and feel immediately better about yourself.