Monday, November 12, 2012

queer in the kitchen

You've probably been asking yourself what happened to me. No? Ok. Fair enough.

I haven't been posting in a while, because as you may know, I am in hair school. It's basically EXACTLY women's prison. It's underground, I'm surrounded by females, and I don't get great cell service. So, every time I sit down to write a post, it's just me complaining about how terrible school is.

Luckily, my friend and I had a great idea: start a food blog.

It's original or completely cited recipes and a lot of fun gay humor.

Check out queerinthekitchen, y'all! And I promise to start blogging once I have a life again!

Friday, July 13, 2012

nice guys finish... the same time as EVERYONE ELSE!

This isn't a funny post. It isn't sentimental. This is a pure, adulterated (that's worse than unadulterated, right? I mean I've only seen The Ten Commandments a few times, but adultery is bad and that saying should change) rage-filled rant.

I'm more mad than the time some twisted, Godless manufacturer shipped products with pop-less bubble wrap.

If you want to feel warm and fuzzy and happy today, please close this window now and open up Google and search for pictures of cute cats like I do the 3 out of the 5 times I open the Google daily.

Those of you who have kept up with my multiple obnoxious social networks know of my life changing decision and continued complaints about the terrible hours and people at hair school and the fact that I find it infuriating I have yet to find a box wine with more than 6 bottles. For the rest of you, I quit a terrible 9-5 job at a broker-dealer in January, started cosmetology school and everything about it (other than actually getting to cut and color real people's hair) is the worst. And it's about to get a lot worse...

I work part time to support myself while in school and took out a loan to pay for about 85% of my tuition and paid the rest out of pocket. I received absolutely no government assistance and while I debated on using a chunk of my IRA I've kept since I was 22 to fund school, I remembered something I heard about the value of money over time, the importance of retirement, social security something, and random cat pictures I saw on the Internet.

This is the first form of debt I've ever had in my entire life. It sucks, but a small price to pay for rebooting my once sad cubicle life. Plus it's an educational loan! It's not like I went out and bought a herd of mini-horses and fleet of J. Lo-tastic FIATs. OMG! Can you imagine?!?!?!

Anyway, to be a licensed cosmetologist in the State of Texas, you must complete 1,500 hours in the classroom and clinic floor. From DAY ONE of school, we were told that by participating in the school's uber-lame special events, clocking in early in the mornings and from lunch, and not missing a single tortuous 10-hour day of school, you can rack up extra hours and graduate before your contracted graduation date. It's exactly like being released from prison due to good behavior... but without all the rapes!

I have been doing that. I've doing the shit out of that. Since the beginning of the year, I have not missed a day of school or work for any reason whatsoever. Working 60 hours a week with only Sundays to rest means I am more exhausted than I have ever been in my life, sporadically question the 'big change' decision in moments of weakness, and hope and pray that this will all be worth it when I graduate.

So, of course I have been amassing all the extra seconds, minutes, and hours I possibly can to graduate early and move on with my life. My last progress report showed I am officially already set to graduate ONE MONTH EARLY!!!

Go me!!! No more racist manicures!

Stereotypes are real, y'all.
But... wait...

According to the school, because I took a loan out, the government insists I complete the FULL 12 month program, cannot graduate early, and will be forced to miss school days throughout the year so I will not get too many hours too soon... The nice lady in financial aid went on to further say that even if I were paying completely out of pocket, I would not be allowed to graduate early.


Are you kidding me?!?!

So, the 'government' doesn't want me to 1) apply myself, be responsible, punctual, and over achieve? 2) complete my education as soon as possible to return to the full time workforce? and 3) BEGIN PAYING BACK MY FUCKING LOAN!!!

I'm no economist and know pretty much nothing about how financial aid works, but this all seems like the most fucked up episode of Punk'd and/or Blossom EVER!

Is this why we're in a recession and mortgaging the future of straight people's children and grandchildren to China?! Again, I know less about the economy than a Tickle-Me-Elmo, but I think I heard someone say 'mortgage futures' on a TV show and thought it sounded like something I could regurgitate later to sound intelligent. Plus, I'm full of sociopolitical controversy. Kony! Taxes! OBAMACARE! Pizza!

I mean, I'm not asking to reduce the amount of my tuition/loan so, either way, won't I still be paying this debt in full as well as rejoin the tax-paying work force (hopefully in a higher bracket than the pauper one I am currently in)?! The fact that I can make this happen two months earlier is just more high fives for me, right?!

I don't mind tooting my own horn here, because I have an IMPECCABLE work ethic. Ask everyone, but my previous employer I despised! I graduated from a Big XII university with two degrees in three years. I know how to fucking apply myself. I work as hard as I can to please my current employer in the hopes that when I graduate I'll work at this amazing salon under the title of "Stylist" instead of "Front Desk Bitch." And, aside form the eye-rolling and audible scoffs ay my classmates' stupidity, I have applied all of myself to this ridiculous cosmetology curriculum.

But apparently, in the world of my disgustingly unorganized and administratively fucked-up 'institute', whether or not I follow all the rules, still show up despite the fact that I cried the entire drive to school, and sacrifice time with friends, family, and any sort of vacation whatsoever, I'm still 'contracted' to graduate the EXACT same time as the over-bleached, white trash, soon to be working at Knock Outs bimbos that skip school, show up late, and make me hate my life 30 hours a week.

I was told I would be forced to take time off and/or just be sent home on certain days if I continue to work at this pace. That moves my graduation date from the end of the year to a guaranteed, same as everyone else, February date.

Yeah, it's only two months, but I'm so incredibly unhappy with all of my sacrifices, the only thing getting me through it a lot of the time was knowing that if I applied myself, I would be free and this terrible year would be over that much sooner.

So, I'm going to accept this as just one more sacrifice, bend over and take it like the prisoner I'm being treated as, despise EVERY SINGLE THING about this company and/or this nonsensical 'government' rule, and go Google cute pictures of cats.

This picture is basically my new God.

Side note: Do NOT attend this school, y'all. In the last 7 months, the director quit for a much better job, no new director has been hired, the 'acting' director is about as intelligent as the aforementioned Tickle-Me-Elmo, the 'Lead Educator' had a breakdown and quit, and the rest of the administrative staff is about as professional and helpful as a nightstand full of busted condoms. 

PS - This whole rant and absolute disdain for everything about cosmetology school by no means serves an indicator of a poor career choice. I absolutely love everything about the salon where I currently work. I love cutting and coloring people's hair, and am very good at it. Just ask ANY hairstylist you know, and they will tell you that hair school was the darkest, worst time of their life.

PPS - Sorry, Dad. Profanity necessary.

PPPS - I'm directing all of this anger at the government, because the school idiots say it is their rule... But then I don't understand why I was also told that students paying out of pocket can't graduate early either... If I ever learn this is some bass ackwards school rule, mark my words, I will burn that hellhole down and shit on the ashes.