much ado about nothing.

I’m usually a high-energy, Johnny-on-the-spot kind of guy, but everyone once and a while, I want to be a fat, lazy, shell of person who accomplishes nothing in a big way. So, Tuesday, I had regulatory training that required me to go to some sad, all-grey, no smiles testing centers off 75 to make FINRA know I still know that money-laundering is a no-no. Anyway, I finished it in an hour and as I walked back to my car, I saw something beautiful: the rest of the day before me.

This day is sort of an exception because I actually did get up, showered, and completed a work-related accomplishment. However, on random weekdays, I use some vacation hours to redefine the word ‘sloth.’ This brand of doing nothing is usually best reserved for either the morbidly obese or models in living art paintings. I like to call these weekday non-adventures ‘Staycations.’

I have perfected this to an art. I have even found ways to include enough ‘fake accomplishments’ throughout my days that require very little energy, but keep me guilt free, because I can say I did things. Well… things other than eat Chef Boyardee directly from the can or my weight in popcorn. Case in point: laundry. It is quite possibly the most passive and least involved of all household chores, and therefore my favorite. The dishwasher comes in a close second, but you only unload once and load it up in small increments throughout the use of your dishes.

The moment I start a load, I feel completely justified, albeit required, to just stop everything. Social engagements? No, I can’t. I’m being a responsible human adult. Plus, it’s a white’s load! I can’t come to brunch. Any other household chore? Sorry. That dryer is going to go off at any moment and I’ll have to reset it and give myself enough time to finish ‘Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle.’ Sometimes I’ll even throw in an extra rinse for those Lord Of The Rings: Return of the King Extended Version days.

If you’re laundry is done, or you hate doing it for some strange reason, the real trick is to just do enough without having to do anything. If you muster up the will power to actually operate a motor vehicle, I find driving past the oil change place fills me with enough accomplishment because I ‘tried’ but didn’t successfully change my oil. Sometimes I’ll go to the grocery store or Eatzis and hit up the prepared food section because cooking is out of the question on these days usually. But, to alleviate the sloth-guilt I buy milk or some sort of food staple like corn starch so it can be deemed ‘grocery shopping.’

The key is to do as absolutely as little as possible (I’m talking, stare at a DVD menu replaying itself multiple times because you don’t want to reach for the remote), but still have little spurts of somethings that are still practically nothing (oil change drive-by, washing one towel over and over, etc). That way you can enjoy your sloth guilt-free.

PS – these are also days I usually my saddest movies, so I can cry in peace without my roommate or friends making fun of me.