When I was your age...

I’m not exactly filling out my AARP membership application, but I’m definitely not a child anymore. As I see this new generation, (Generation I, I think they’re calling it), I am saddened by all of the things they are missing out on that have been replaced by inaccurately self-proclaimed “new and improved” changes. Sure, their road trips now include DVD players and children without a full set of adult teeth sport iPhones, but I was perfectly content with my Tamagotchi pet that died A LOT!

Some of these changes make me sad, but more often than not, they just piss me off. I mean, I grew up with awesome entertainment that consisted of X-Men, Wishbone, and the Power Rangers. These kids don’t even have Mr. Rogers to teach them how to put on your snappy cardigan and penny loafers in what seems like slow motion. Instead, they have Dora who is CONSTANTLY bossing them around and teaching them Spanish. I hate her. I seriously want to put a bomb in Backpack. Adios, chica! Speaking of cartoons, what does this new generation have against old-fashioned pen to paper animation? I love Pixar’s innovations for computer animation. I bawled like a small, mentally challenged girl in Toy Story 3. But old-school NON-3D animated adventures will forever rank above any clownfish, trash-picking robot, or talking cowboy doll.

Similarly, video games have become the bane of my existence. Probably one of the only Asian stereotypes that come close to applying to me is the fact that I was a child of the old Nintendo game consoles. My addiction to Zelda, Goldeneye, Mario, and Final Fantasy was in the ballpark of crystal meth. The games were easy, predictable, and you played in one dimension. Now, games are so advanced that I can’t even play them. That’s right, I’m too stupid for the Wii. The graphics have also become so realistic, I feel guilty for shooting the dirkas in Modern Warfare… These games are creepy realistic (like all the CGI in Star Wars: Attack of the Clones).

The primary thing that pisses me off about the next generation (of kids, not the Star Trek series), is how we treat them and how they treat each other. Kids are considered smarter and I’m sure there’s some 8th grade girl who can long division circles around me. They are constantly afforded more and more so-called rights as a kid in terms of freedom of expression and heaven forbid you spank one. Simultaneously, parents these days are constantly treating them like invalids that need to be sheltered. Which brings me to my second point: bullying. All this cyber bullying that is driving kids to suicide is dumb on the parts of both bully and victim. When I was a kid, the bullies had the balls to call me a ‘chink’ to my face! And team selection during recess kickball simply prepared losers for their future lives. Top tier schools can’t admit EVERYBODY. Sometimes in life, you just get picked last. No, it doesn’t feel good, but don’t kill yourself! Looking back on those yet to be repressed memories, I think it was some excellent character building.

Kids these days could learn a lot from me. My parents whipped me with such frequency and fervor I was certain it was some part-time job they had taken for extra cash. Kids could benefit from a simple life. I mean, I don’t remember kids going all Annie Oakley on their classmates back in the days when I was a card-carrying member of the Burger King Kids Club. The only thing we shot were ducks, and, to no avail, that damned laughing dog…