peeling the onion.

I probably have as much (or far less) experience in dating as a suburban tween in desperate need of a Pro-Activ refill, but like most things I have opinions on, personal experience or expertise is not always a prerequisite.

My lack of experience is a direct result for my complete disdain for the dating ‘game’ altogether. Like football, as much as I love watching people fumble with their hearts and endure emotional tackle after tackle, I hate playing it and I am really bad at it too. Now, the chase is always fun, the anticipation is moderately entertaining, and if all goes well, once you get to the post-game, facebook official dating phase, that doesn’t suck. But all of the rules are the worst.

The initial dating game is like going to a job interview for a position you don’t even know you want yet. Sometimes first dates are great, and sometimes I just sit and talk about TV because I am utterly bored and starving for conversation. But, once you survive that, and you actually want to see where it may or may not lead, you’re really in the thick of it. Why do I have to wait an obligatory amount of time before 2nd contact or to reply to a text? Why is a text that says ‘have a good day’ considered too nice guy-ish? Why do full-grown young adults reduce dating to a childish back and forth?

I’m not looking to profess my potential love or expect a marriage proposal one date in, but why can’t the game just be a little more straight forward? I wish people could just set aside the procedures and politics of dating, nut up, and just come and say, ‘hi, I think I might like you. Would you like to go on a date?’ Or, ‘that last date was really fun. You are a super neat guy. I would like to continue going on dates with you.’ That old check yes or no song is pretty cheesy but it would be a huge time-saver.

Also, first date stuff. I don’t need a credit report, a background check, or your medical history, but give me more than your job, the fact that you like ‘going out’ on the weekends, or a movie you just saw. A wise woman once said “I just wish people would tell you immediately when you meet them, ‘Hey, I’m so and so. Here’s all the weird stuff about me.’” If you got a speeding ticket a few years ago, maybe keep that to yourself. If you served time in prison, I definitely want to know and if the real thing is anything like Oz. If you have chronic bed wetting, a history of domestic violence, or any other red flags, please feel free to fly them before the appetizer the waiter announces the specials. If you don’t get some of this out in the beginning and then come across a big deal breaker 10 dates in, it turns dating into peeling an onion. You peel away layer after stinky layer until you're just... weeping over the sink.

As for me… Quirks, weird things, and what not, let’s see… I rarely cry in real life, but fall apart during Pixar movies, certain songs, Brothers & Sisters, romantic comedies, and underrated sequels about an elite crime-fighting team backed by an anonymous millionaire. I pop my back. I can be very selfish, but, in my defense, I’m about to celebrate my silver anniversary with myself and that’s one relationship that might always win. I’m stubborn as hell when I know or think I am right about something. Other than all that and my night terrors, I’m perfect.