comeback? shnock it off!

I have been very disappointed lately, on top of the fact that Saturday Night Live has yet to do a Miley Cyrus sketch this season, Madonna and Faith Hill are making their "return" to the music scene. I wish I could say their new songs 'pretty cool', but unfortunately they both need to 'shnock it off!'

Let's start with the one who is starved for more attention. With talks of being the star Superbowl Halftime Show (which has been abysmal ever since Janet Jackson's nipple slip), you would think Madonna would use her insanely gross sinewy arms to deliver. Not so. Not so, my friends.

Her new track titled 'Give Me All Your Love' takes off with a cheerleader inspired sound backed by a drumbeat reminiscent of that horrible Nick Cannon movie, Drumline. It literally sounds like she just heard Avril Lavigne's 2007 EP The Best Damn Thing and decided to go in that direction...

She cheers 'L-U-V! Madonna! Y-O-U! You wanna?!' Really?!

I mean really?!

Newsflash! Madonna, you are almost 54 years old and fake British. Why are you 1) spelling 'love' incorrectly and 2) channeling a 20-something Canadian's already bad music?!

The leaks are being taken down left and right, so I won't even try to find one of the Madonna track, but if you find it, it sounds like this...

but MUCH more desperate!

I'm 1,000% certain that gay fans across the world will eat this up as if it were being spoon fed from Madge herself, but I'm not one of them. This, like your face, Madonna, is sad, tired, and lack luster.

I'm not a giant Madonna fan, so I really don't care what she does or what I'll be dancing drunk to for the next six months, but something I do care about is country music superstar Faith Hill.

After 6 years without a studio album of new music and an almost hermit celebrity status, Faith Hill has decided to return to the music scene... with a One Republic cover. I'm sure Ryan Tedder is a nice guy and all, but can we all just agree that he's a douche?!

She quietly released it to iTunes last night and is premiering it at the Country Music Association awards tonight. It's called 'Come Home.'

I mean, One Republic tried to release a few years ago and even did a reworked version with Sara Bareilles. It did not do great. Here's the original:

So Faith and her musical team decided to take it, barely rework it, throw an acoustic guitar on there and decided to make it her 'comeback single.'

Here's her version:

This track is not a lot of things.

It is NOT the worst thing ever,

it is NOT special in any way, and

it is also NOT country! 

Just as much as Madonna is dying to cater to her gay fans and burn up the dance charts, Faith Hill is trying to tug at the heartstrings of Adult Contemporary radio with this ballad about her husband at war.

However, I see where she might be going. Her last album, Fireflies, was an attempted return to country music form following her blatant attempts at a pop-crossover with 2002's Cry. This sounds like she is trying to land somewhere in the middle of those two sounds. Which wouldn't be the worst.

So, in conclusion, Madonna just needs to stop. Stop everything. Retire now, take it easy with the pilates, and try not to continue to tarnish your glory days of the 80s and 90s. And Faith, TRY HARDER!

feeling old... again.

*knock, knock*

Death, is that you?!

No. It's Pizza Hut.

Well it turns out, I'm not dying. But it has become brutally apparent that I am growing up. My life used to be punctuated by semesters, graduations, and those age milestones (driving, voting, tobacco-ing, drinking, etc).

Lately, it seems like I am nearing the days where my life will be full of meaningful events like my first prostate exam, first grey pubic hair, or being called sir on a regular basis (without the 'step away from the police horse' immediately following it.)

I know I am not OLD, but I'm starting to feel it... all thanks to Kelly Clarkson and Beyoncé.

This coming year marks the ten year anniversary of Kelly Clarkson's inaugural win of American Idol. Ten years. I mean, that's almost half of my life of seeing loser after loser fly through the revolving door of that skid-mark of a reality show. Anyway, I can clearly remember her competing and winning. Not, "I remember where I was when 9-11 happened" remember, but it is a strong memory.

Now and then. Dang, y'all.

There was a time in my life where memories from ten years ago completely eluded me. I was too young to remember who was carrying me, changing my diaper, and locking me out of the house. Those memories had a solid haze around them. Now decade old memories are as clean and clear as a face wash commercial.

Also, the other day I was jamming my face off to some old school Destiny's Child. Remember them? That girl group that spawned the worldwide careers of Beyoncé Knowles, Kelly Rowland, and... that... other girl...

Most people today think Destiny's Child is Beyoncé's current unborn baby. No, that thing is called "Sasha Fetus."

Anyway, I'm jamming in my car to one of their first hits: Bug A Boo. I mean, This song came out in the 1900s! I remember rocking this song while smoking Kamel Red Lights in my busted Jeep Cherokee like there was no tomorrow. That made me nostalgic... which I think is fruity gibberish speak for "feel old."

Then I started listening to the lyrics... If a kid heard this song today, it might as well be sung in Mandarin (or I guess English if a Mandarin child was listening to it...)

Pagers?

AOL?!

MCI?!?!

I mean, were these ever real things? I sort of think I lived through their periods of relevance, but I'm not even sure. Part of me thinks they are real and another, more certain part of me thinks they are fake words Beyoncé made up. Like that time she made "whoa-oh-oh" into a full 3 minute song.


I find it baffling that an entire generation or generations of little gay boys and girls have no idea what any of these things are. I mean do they even know who Destiny's Child is?! Gasp.