füd for thought.

If you browse through my Facebook mobile uploads or see a lot of my status updates you’ll probably think one thing, this guy is really bored. But, if you happen to think two things, you’ll probably think that this guy loves food. And I do. It actually rivals my love of television. While I would be worried that the two would conflict, they actually go together quite nicely in an amazing chemical reaction whose only result will be a cottage cheese ass I’m guessing I’ll acquire in my mid 40s. Anyway… the whole point of this is regarding some food faux pas. Not hard and fast rules, but general guidelines in gluttony.

I cannot stress this first rule enough, but never eat Buffalo wings in front of a person who has never seen you naked and who you might want to see you naked in the future. I firmly believe eating these delicious little cluckers before that actually happens, could result in keeping that little scenario in the hypothetical indefinitely. I don’t think they existed when Emily Post laid down her law, and although raised in a family where table manners were about as scarce as dignity on a dance floor, I can set a perfect table and know what all the little forks do. There is no classy/proper/clean way to eat them. So, I would save them for interactions with friends or someone you’ve been dating long enough that they have seen you in more compromising positions than a face smothered in Mango Habanero sauce with dripping fingers to boot. Case in point: there is nothing less sexy than eating Buffalo wings.

Speaking of unattractive eating, when dating, you'll undoubtedly end up at the movies. That being said, if you’re anything like me never eat popcorn in front of a boy/girl. Until I am comfortable enough with someone to continually wake up next to them in the morning (when I’m at my most visually vulnerable) for all they will know, I hate popcorn. When in reality, nothing could be farther from the truth. However, nothing breaks down the barriers of my self-control faster than a buttery, salty bowl of popcorn. Me shoveling handfuls of popcorn into my face in rapid succession is a lot like what I imagine throwing a veggie burger at a homeless hippie would look like. It gets ravenous. Also, food gets stuck in your teeth. Isn’t that hot?!

Finally, you know yourself. You know your body. When you’re on a date follow these seven simple words: never eat anything that gives you gas!

I don’t pretend to be an expert on dating or romance. In fact, I’m sure suburban tweens have more knowledge on the subject matter than I do. But, if there is one thing I know, it’s food.

P's & Q's.

Once again, I grow exceedingly disappointed in society as a whole. Sure, we give out health care like XXL T-Shirts at a NASCAR rally, but the giving of the occasionally common courtesy is simply a thing of the past. I’m not saying I greet every person with a dandy smile and always walk with a skip in my step, but on the general, I usually try to be an acceptably upstanding individual.

So, I’m at work, and the coffee provided is as close to an EPA violation as any liquid you would even consider putting in your mouth. But, when I drudge through that door every morning, I voluntarily torture my taste buds and pour myself a hot cup of “coffee.” Not the point... Anyway, it’s 10 AM and some genius poured them self the last drop of coffee, turns off the machine, and leaves. I’m sorry, but did you assume you were the last person for the rest of the day who wanted coffee. The principle is simple and sound: if you finish the last drop, you start another pot. (FYI – opposite principle of the “He who tops it off drops it off” trash can principle).

Blinkers. The good people at the car companies don’t put them on your car for fun. They are functional, informative, and pretty when they light up. So… use them! Unless you are the worst kind of driver who tries to dart into my lane at the last minute, if you put your blinker on and wait patiently 9 times out of 10, I will courteously let you go in front of me. Don’t just merge over without giving me notice. I assume you are pulling a Lindsay Lohan after a long night of partying on Red Bull and Cocoa Puffs and can’t color inside the lines. Why LiLo would be driving down 114 on a Wednesday morning, I haven’t the slightest clue…

Shakespeare said, “neither a borrower nor a lender be.” No, I only agree with ½ of this. I love borrowing things, but get extremely leery of the lending. There are actually very few people I will let borrow anything of mine, because I have extremely low expectations on 1) whether or not I will ever receive what I lent back and 2) what condition it may or may not be returned in. If I have perceived you treating your own possessions with about as much respect as a toilet seat, why would I let you borrow a movie, kitchenware, or book?! That being said, if I borrow something from you, rest assured that it is taken care of. If I ever let you borrow something and it gets elfed up, you will be on a list of untrustworthy borrowers. (Yes, I keep a list.)

Moral of the story? Be good people.

PS – What the heck does “P&Q” stand for? I wanna say it’s Spanish…